


Unstable

by Unceasing



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-19
Updated: 2012-11-19
Packaged: 2017-11-19 01:57:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/567764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unceasing/pseuds/Unceasing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This would be like all the other times. He would be fine. Right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Climbing

 

_Your name is SOLLUX CAPTOR, and you MIGHT just be a little UNWELL._

It started normally, but then again that's nothing new. His days usually started like that, but then something would change. There was never an exact moment that would cause everything; it just sort of hit him before he had a chance to realize what was going on. Everything would be fine, and then it wouldn't be. There really was no such thing as stability with this stupid thing, and he knew that.

They say it's like a roller coaster.

Maybe it is, a little bit. But at least with a roller coaster you know what to expect. You stand in line and stare at the huge behemoth in front of you and wonder,  _wow, what the fuck am I doing here? Is that thing even a little bit safe?_ But then you usually end up staying there as you watch the ride slide across the tracks, because you muster up the nerves and the mindset that _I_ _can totally do this._

Fuck that noise.

Sollux growled as he stared at his laptop screen; biting the inside of his cheek as he hissed out a quiet "fuck," while he glared at everything he happened to set his eyes on. He knew these moods. He knew them so well that he could probably imitate them without any problems - not that he would ever want to. He hated them, and wished that they never even happened.

As if the universe would listen to  _him_. Screw that. He might as well be the universe's chew toy.

"God damn it!" he cursed, kicking at the floor as he sent himself rolling backwards on his computer chair. The frustrating thing about this was that his anger was  _directionless._ He couldn't blame anyone but himself for it, and that was the worst part. He wanted it to  _end!_

Yes, he knew he was bipolar and that it technically  _wasn't_ his fault how he was feeling. But who the fuck else was he supposed to blame? His malfunctioning brain? No one?

He's heard that 'no one' thing before. He called bullshit so fucking fast; everyone he saw usually stuck with the 'it's a chemical imbalance, it's just something in your brain; not something you can help,' though.

So in a round about way, it  _was_ his fault. And he was going to keep it like that because it gave him something to direct his anger and frustration to, even if it was very counter productive in his lows. Damn it.

He can hear his computer notifications going off, telling him that someone was messaging him. The  _last_ thing he wanted to do was speak to someone, because he knew he couldn't trust himself. He'd say something stupid, and he'd ruin a friendship, and he really didn't feel like going through all of that again.

But even though his mind was telling him that, he was feeling too hard to realize it. He could rationalize all day long, and it wouldn't do any good. He just, he wanted to  _hurt_ people. He wanted to know that he had caused harm, that he had been the reason they were  _suffering_.

Aradia had been the one he had damaged the most. He felt bad for it, usually, but all he could really feel at the moment was  _pride_. It was disgusting.

He couldn't keep himself from peeking at the screen, however, to see who was notifying him.  _Just a small peak,_ he promised. But he knew himself well enough to know that it was going to be more than that. There was no point lying to himself now, too.

** carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun trolling twinArmageddon [TA] **

[CG] HEY

[CG] I'M FUCKING BORED.

[CG] AND I NEED SOMETHING TO DO FOR A WHILE, SINCE I DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING TO SLEEP AND EVERYONE ELSE IS EITHER LAME OR OFFLINE SLEEPING LIKE A BUNCH OF STUPID GRUBS.

[CG] PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS PURE AND MAYBE EVEN A LITTLE UNJUST, AMUSE ME. IF I DON'T GET AMUSEMENT, I FEAR I MIGHT DIE IN A GELATINOUS PILE OF BOREDOM.

[CG] AND DON'T YOU IGNORE ME. YOUR IDLE TIME ISN'T EVEN THAT HIGH, FUCKWAD.

He sighed. He wasn't sure if he honestly wanted to talk to Karkat tonight; he was actually someone who he liked hanging around. In the back of his mind, he knew it was probably a bad idea to get back to him, but before he was even able to conduct a sound argument as to why he was pulling his chair back up to his desk and replying.

[TA] wow ok. ii wa2 tempted two iignore you ju2t two 2piite you

[TA] ii gue22 you 2hould be glad ii'm iin 2uch a good mood

[CG] WOW, SO WHAT, I SHOULD BE GLAD YOU DIDN'T DECIDE TO BE A COMPLETE ASSHOLE?

[CG] THAT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE. PARDON ME FOR NOT TAKING INTO ACCOUNT THAT YOU CAN BE A COMPLETE FUCKING DIPWEED FOR NO FUCKING REASON THERE, SANCHO. WOO-FUCKING-HOO. I AM SO GODDAMN THANKFUL; I HOPE YOU CAN FEEL THE RAYS OF HAPPINESS POURING OUT OF MY EVERY ORIFICE.

[TA] riight, becau2e you are the only one who can act liike a complete fuckiing douchbag all the tiime kk

[TA] but whatever ii could care le22 about you riight now to be perfectly honest 2o go ahead and thiink whatever you want and do whatever you want because ii dont care iin the lea2t

[TA] ju2t keep iin miind that you are the one who had come to me fiir2t kk not the other way around

[CG] WAIT, HOLD THE PHONE, BACK THE FUCK UP FOR A MOMENT.

[CG] WHAT THE FUCK, IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT? LIKE, SERIOUSLY DUDE.

Sollux frowned.

[TA] ye2 why the fuck would you even thiink that 2omethiing wa2 wrong iin the fiir2t place iidiiot

[CG] BECAUSE, NOOKSNIFFER. I KNOW YOU AND I KNOW HOW YOU FUCKING ACT WHEN SOMETHING IS BOTHERING YOU.

[CG] SO WHY DON'T WE BOTH SAVE OURSELVES A LITTLE BIT OF TIME BY CUTTING OUT THE "OH, NOTHING'S WRONG KARKAT" AND "FUCK YOU, YES THERE IS SO JUST TELL ME,"

[CG] BY YOU JUST SPILLING THE WHOLE FUCKING POT OF BEANS OUT ONTO THE CARPET IN FRONT OF US RIGHT NOW AND EXPLAIN WHAT THE FUCK HAS BEEN BITING YOU UP THE ASS SINCE WE STARTED TALKING, AND PROBABLY EVEN BEFORE THAT.

What the fuck.

This is why he hated Karkat sometimes. He hated that he acted like he cared, like he knew something, like it would  _fix_ anything in the first place. He hated how he was giving Sollux the incentive to say something, when he knew better.

In the back of his head, he could hear his therapist's words; Y _ou'll need to tell your friends sometime, Sollux. I'm sure they would understand. And if you did that, not only would it clear up any chance for misunderstandings, it would also help you feel better. You won't say anything to me, I know that, but maybe your friends would be able to help you. You might not believe me right now, but trust me when I say that talking about things_ does  _indeed help._

He didn't bother to message Karkat back. He just signed out of trollian and hoped that he would be able to get some sleep, sometime soon.

* * *

He never did manage to fall asleep, but he didn't exactly care.

It was Friday, thank god, but doing the basic things like brushing his teeth and showering seemed to take too long for his interest, and he just wanted to  _move._

So by time he was walking to school, he was happy. Or something along the lines of happy. He couldn't think of a better word, so that was just what he was going to have to stick with - he was just happy that he was able to keep moving, to do something with his limbs.

Sollux didn't live that far away from his high school, so it wasn't like it took a terribly long time to get there. If anything, he wished that it too longer sometimes, because that meant less time he had to stay at that prison.

And he was always tardy. Or, well, almost. He'd gotten the max amount of tardies already in this quarter, so he couldn't afford to get anymore without actually getting in trouble for them. That was something that Sollux had wanted to prevent, if possible. He didn't need his parents getting called, because if they were, he knew they would make him leave at a stupid early time, so that he would arrive like, thirty minutes before the bell rang.

They had done it before. He'd gotten in trouble for stealing things, and for the next three weeks, Sollux had been driven by his mom to school and had to wait an hour before the bell rang. It was fucking stupid, and he hated it every day, but all he had gotten was, " _Maybe now you'll know that stealing is wrong."_

Fuck that noise. It wasn't like he had done it intentionally; not really.

It was another one of the things that came with his manic phases. He was just...impulsive, sometimes. Like there was someone whispering in his ear to do something, to take it,  _just once, it's not like you're going to get busted. She's too stupid to even know it's gone. Besides, won't you feel better after it? You'll have it in your bag all day, and someone could check it at any time and realize what you've done. You know you want that rush. You know you want that_ _challenge._

And of course he'd done it. More then once, actually, but he had only gotten busted once, annoyingly. Sollux had only gotten caught because there was a stupid bag check; one of the kids in his class had been suspected of carrying drugs  _on him,_ so they'd checked everyone's backpack. The girl he'd stolen from - it wasn't even anything big, just this stupid character keychain she'd had dangling from her phone - had noticed it, and called him out on it when she'd realized that hers was missing.

And the kid with the drugs? It wasn't even like it was acid or weed or something. It was fucking Advil. Seriously, you could go to the nurse and get the stuff if you wanted, but because it was in a container that was not in his name (or a container at all, it was in a bag,) he got in trouble for it.

Stupidest. Fucking. Bust.  _Ever._

Eridan was such an idiot. Hilarious, but an idiot. They were sort of...acquaintances, he supposed was the right world. They'd had their tech apps class together, and had somehow managed to hit it off. The guy was the butt monkey of the popular kids, but he  _was_ still popular.

Sollux had been dragged to more than one of his plays, and  _damn,_ the kid could act.

And shake his ass in a way that should not be possible. But honestly, he shouldn't be thinking about that right now,  _definitely_ not right now. He will not envision Eridan's ass. No He Will Not.

Okay maybe a little.

But on his little 'drug charge,' as everyone called it, he was suspended for five days; just barely let back in tie to act in one of the advanced drama class's performances. A pissy Eridan was something that nobody wanted.

And all this time thinking of pointless things like Eridan's ass had taken up his own walk, and he was already staring at the gates of his school. He didn't want to go in, but standing outside like an idiot wouldn't exactly do anything either. Maybe if he just turned around and walked back, no one would notice...

"Hey, fuckass! Thanks for ignoring me last night!"

Or not. That wasn't happening. Fuck.

Sollux rolled his eyes as he turned around, his white and black converse scratching at the asphalt under him as he looked at Karkat from behind his shades. "Well sorry. It was kind of late, and I decided that I loved my bed more then I loved speaking with you. So sue me."

Speech classes. As much as he hated them, and bitched about them, he was glad that he had taken them. His lisp was fucking annoying to his own ears, so he could only assume it was ten times worse for the people he was around. While he hadn't completely gotten rid of it, it wasn't too bad unless he was angry. Which...happened sometimes, much to his annoyance.

But Karkat just rose his hand up and flipped him the bird, and Sollux just smirked back at him.

"Yeah okay, right. Sleep. Don't fuck with me, Captor. You're not Dave Strider; your glasses don't cover like, half of your fucking face. I can see those rings around your eyes, and I know they're new because they weren't there the day before. SO yet again, I ask, what in the flying fuck is bugging you so much that you haven't been able to sleep?"

Groaning, Sollux turned away from him and walked through the gates when the school bell rang, and he was happy. He could hear Karkat's steps echoing behind his, and he swore, he could feel the teen staring holes into his back. He was so happy that he didn't have his first set of A-day classes with Karkat, because Sollux knew he would never drop the subject.

When he turned around to glance at him, he realized he was right. The venom in that glare could be sold to mass murderers by the dozen.

"Look, nothing's wrong. I'm irritated because I  _didn't_ sleep last night, and I was irritated last night because I knew I wasn't going to be  _able_ to sleep. It's really fucking annoying. Now, can you please stop glaring me like that? Someone is going to come along and think that you want to kill me or something."

He was so proud of himself. No lisp, even though he sort of wanted to run Karkat through the wringer.

But he would do that later. And it wasn't as if he had lied; he wasn't pleased that he hadn't slept, and he  _did_ know that he wasn't going to be able to last night. It came with this; it was just par for the course at this point.

But he wanted to see Karkat squirming under him, and that wouldn't work if he were to be completely honest with him. Omission was a great thing; it was a tool that he utilized to the fullest, and it almost always got him where he wanted to be.

But at the moment, he couldn't do a thing. School was calling, and he was  _not_ looking forward to spending two two-hour classes stuck in a classroom, being still, until he was let out for lunch.

And then doing two more like that all over again.

_Fuck._

* * *

" _Whale_  someone  _sea_ ms to be in a particularly good mood today! You usually don't talk so much, Sollux!"

He simply smirked as he swung an arm over Feferi's shoulder, which earned him a giggle from the girl. Eridan groaned and Karkat laughed, while Nepita simply grinned while she oogled at Karkat. Sollux didn't know how long Nepita was going to keep this "secret crush" thing up, because it was plain as day.

Almost. Karkat never seemed to get it. Idiot.

"Yeah well, can't help but talk when you decide to drop by," he replied with, adding a grin in there just for good measure. Feferi didn't usually hang with them when Eridan was here, since the two of them had some sort of...hate-thing going on, which he wasn't even going to try to understand. There were hate relationships like he and Karkat had, and there were hate relationships like Feferi and Eridan had. The latter just didn't make a lick of sense.

"Sol, could you please stop openly flirting with my girl! You know Fef and I are supposed to be together! It's destiny!"

He didn't even have to respond to that one. Hell, even if he had wanted to he couldn't have responded, because Feferi was hot on his tail, eyes sharp and glaring and it took everything he had not to burst out laughing. She was cute, not deadly. Like a kitten.

" _Whale_  I don't see why I shouldn't be able to! You openly flirt with Vriska all the time, even after she obviously turned you down! Don't be so  _shellfish!_ "

Eridan didn't have much to say to that. He never did. He claimed on and on about how it was 'destiny' that said they should be together, but they didn't seem like they would be a very good match. He completely crippled whenever Fef spoke back to him, which was a lot.

To be fair though, they both used fish puns like there was no tomorrow. Sollux had no real answer as to who started it first, and neither of them had ever come to a clear answer, either. So they were both  _weirdos_ with a fish-pun complex.

Okay, maybe it was destiny calling them together. Who knows.

"Okay, as much as I fucking love this sickening display of a kismesissitude, I think we've all seen this enough times to know how it is going to end. For once can we have a normal-fucking-lunch period, without  _someone_ storming away in a Pre-Madonna fit - Shut up Eridan, yes, that  _especially_ applies to you - and just chill the ever-loving fuck out?"

"But Eridan-"

"But Fef-"

" _No,"_ Karkat growled, pointing a finger at both of them, "Swear to god, if you both don't shut your mouth about this, I will call Gamzee back over here and we will have a fucking lunch-feelings-jam about the importance of fucking  _miracles_ in our goddamn life. You don't want that,  _I_ don't want that, but I will suffer through it if it means I can drag you all down with me. Have I made myself fucking  _clear here?"_

Both of them nod, and Fef curls up closer to Sollux, who simply snorts out a laugh. Karkat either doesn't care or doesn't hear, because he goes back to picking at his lunch.

"Wow Karkat! You can be very  _purr_ swading when you want to! I wonder why you never do it more often."

Karkat scoffs; turning away from her as she poked at his arm. Sollux wonders if the girl is just dense, or if  _Karkat_ is dense, or if they're both just retarded.

Probably the stupid one. Karkat might know how to take the lead, but it's not like he has the brains to go with it.

Two people used fish puns, and another used cat puns. What the hell was wrong with their group. Maybe Feferi and Eridan would make the perfect 'kismesissitude,' as Karkat put it. Honestly, it was a nonsense word that came out of a party they had one day their freshman year. The twelve of them, before they'd splintered off into smaller groups, had decided to name different sorts of relationships.

None of them took it seriously, naturally, but it was a sort of nonsense word they'd throw around sometimes. It was fun to fuck with the other kids they brought into the group.  _You must fit into one of the four quadrants if you want to survive._ Heh, yeah. Fun times.

"Sollux, I've been meaning to tell you this but I always seemed to forget! Aradia's been trolling me lately and asking about you. Have you guys gotten back together or something? And that's why you're in a r _eel_ y good mood?"

Karkat's head perked up from his lunch, and Eridan sneered and wandered off. It was only a matter of time before that happened, but at the moment, he couldn't really concentrate on it.

Aradia.

They'd been a thing for a really long time, before Sollux had gone and fucked things up. Ordinarily, hearing this would make him sad, because he supposed he still cared about her in a way.

But this was not usually, and he had to try  _really hard_ to keep himself from grinning. She was a  _fine_ piece of work. And he'd made her that way.

"Aradia? No, we haven't spoken since, well, probably Sophomore year. Why has she been talking to you about me?"

Which was true, they really hadn't. She'd been a sweet girl before, but after what he'd done to her, she'd sort of gone off the deep end. Not in a violent way - just in a way that...fuck it.

She pretty much flipped the off switch on her emotions.

Sollux was fucking  _good._

"Oh, well...Hm. I'm actually not r _eel_ ly sure. She was asking how you were, and I told her that she should talk to you herself, but she said she didn't think that would be a good idea! It only started a week ago, and then she'd stopped. So then when I saw you acting like this, I figured she'd said something and you two had gotten back together!"

He had to keep himself from laughing, so he pulled his arm away from Feferi and gave a little cough into his hand. He could see Karkat frowning at him and Nepita tilting her her head in confusion, and Feferi looking at him like she'd accidentally killed his dog.

"Ah, well. No, nothing like that happened," Sollux said, shifting his weight on the side of the wall that he was sitting on. "I don't think we'll ever speak again. Different people, and all that. I think she knows that."

Feferi opened her mouth to say something more, but the bell rang and cut her off. Taking that as a good enough distraction to move away from the bleak subject, she jumped off from the side of the wall and twirled, facing the remaining three of them.

" _Whale_ I guess it's time to go! See you later Sollux! You coming, Nepita? We have art together!"

"Yes, I'm coming! Bye Karkat and Sollux! I won't be able to walk home with you guys, so this will be the last time we see each other today!"

Karkat swung his legs over the small wall and blinked, eyes locking on Nepita as he spoke. "What, really? Why, what do you have going on after school?"

She beamed, twirling around once with her arms up. "A huuuuge art project! I'd do it at home, but I don't have all the  _purr_ opper art supplies! So I'm taking some time after school to work on it for a few days. But I have to go, `cause I want to get started before everyone goes and takes all the good spots! Bye you guys!"

And then she was off, dragging a giggling Feferi by the arm as she started talking about things neither Sollux or Karkat could really understand. The girls didn't understand tech lingo, and, him and Karkat didn't understand art lingo. It was just how the world works.

"So. That was only the first bell, and our class is literally right behind us. Did Aradia really not contact you?"

That was a surprise.

"Of course, why would I lie about that? I think the question here is, why did you know about that? You obviously knew about this before Fef had said anything."

Karkat is quiet for several beats before signing, running a hand through his hair. Sollux notices that he's shaking, but doesn't comment on it. He knows he's hyper-aware of things, and he doesn't want to raise more questions.

"Yeah, okay, whatever. Yes, I knew about it, but only because she fucking came to me and started asking  _me_ questions that I didn't really have answers to. So I told her to go pester you if she was so fucking worried. I wasn't expecting her to go to  _Feferi,_ of all people. Not that there's anything wrong with her, it's just...it's Feferi."

Sad thing is, he understood that. She really was a character.

"Oh. Well, whatever, then, I guess. AA will talk to me if she wants to."

And Sollux is standing up himself before he gives it another thought, because he doesn't really want to see where this conversation will go. But as he turns to head into the building, Karkat grabs his upper arm, and he's surprised at the power his grip holds. So he turns around and looks at him through his glasses, but he doesn't glare. He just. Looks.

And Karkat frowns.

"She probably came to me wondering what the fuck is up with you."

And inwardly, Sollux is  _grinning,_ because Karkat was making this  _so easy._

"I...just, stuff," he says, and he realizes that it's easy to  _act_ pathetic when he's experienced it so much. And just like he planned, Karkat's expression immediately softens up a bit, and Sollux knows he's  _in._

"I just feel like something's...wrong," Sollux continues, forcing himself to frown instead of laugh, and he angles his gaze just enough towards the ground so that it looks like he's having trouble saying this. "There are some thingth about me that you don't know yet, kk, and I'm afraid that if you hear them, you'll think even leth of me. I don't want to lothe you ath a friend..."

And he throws his lisp in there, because Karkat knows that he only does it when he's distracted, and that's usually when he's angry or upset. Sollux makes sure to keep his voice low, his eyes almost away from him in a way that is akin to shame, and when Karkat's grip on his arm tightens, he can feel that familiar tinge of  _thrill_ course through his body.

"Listen," Karkat starts, grabbing Sollux's chin and turning it forcefully - but also gently - back up so that he meets his eyes. "I don't know what the fuck you think is wrong with you, but I promise I'm not going to ditch you because of it. Fuck, if I thought I was going to leave you, I'd have done it a-agh!"

And then he grabs Karkat's wrist and pulls it down, steps forward, and presses his lips firmly on his.

Kissing Karkat Vantas is nothing like he thought it would be.

He expected something hard, but instead it's soft and electrifying and for a brief moment, Sollux wonders if he played his cards wrong. but when he feels him melt into him, he knows he did  _well,_ and he doesn't have to hide the grin that flushes itself over his lips.

Kissing Karkat Vantas is full of fake passion and hesitance, and it's electrifying and soft and tastes like blue.

Sollux is the one who takes command and pulls away first, and he has to remember not to laugh when he notices that Karkat is having trouble meeting his gaze.

And then the five-minute bell rings, and Sollux turns on his heel and heads to class, and he can hear Karkat following mutely behind him.

Sollux managed to leave Karkat Vantas speechless.

Fuck yes. He was on a  _roll._

Sure, he wouldn't be able to make him into someone emotionless like Aradia, but he was confident that he would be able to make his mark.

Maybe he'd never let someone else in. Maybe he'd cause him to completely shut out the world from how he feels.

 _Yep,_ he thinks to himself, grinning as he stepped into his history class.  _That sounds like a good plan._

* * *

Sollux walked home without bothering to wait for Karkat.

He should have known this was going to happen. He should have  _known._ It never lasts, ever, not when he wants it to. His plans are never carried out flawlessly, not usually. Aradia was different; it didn't take long to break her, just a few hours.

This was different, and he has to deal with the fallout because  _Karkat is not Aradia,_ and things are going to be different.

Sollux doesn't have answers for why he kissed him. He doesn't have answers for what was "bothering him." He doesn't have any of the answers for any of the questions he knows he is going to be asked, and he just. Doesn't. Know.

He can't get his brain to shut off. It's working too fast for him to slow down and logically process things, so really, he's too slow.

Too fast, therefor too slow.

High to Low.

He can't  _breath_ with all this venom in his chest.

He's not angry like before. He's not happy. He's just. Existing. And feeling. He can hear, faintly, his little voice pounding in the back of his skull, but not even he can reach him where he is. Not even he.

When he opens the door to his house, he immediately knows that he is alone. It takes a few moments for the information to re-surface, but his parents are out of town for the weekend. His mom had training in a different city, and his dad went with her for some reason or another. He didn't want to go so he stayed, because after all he's seventeen and is capable of taking care of himself.

He is, right?

Shutting the door behind him, Sollux throws his bag against the wall in the small entryway and kicks his shoes off; making his way straight into his room. He can hear his phone buzzing in his pocket, but he doesn't answer. It's probably Karkat anyways. He doesn't want to speak to him.

His door shuts, and he paces. He paces because he can't think of anything better to do, because if he sits down he fears he'll start thinking. He doesn't want to think, and he knows there isn't a logical connection between moving and thinking, but he knows there's something about it because he knows he can't sit  _still._

Oh, right. Moving. It improves your mood. He'd go running, but he was never a runner, and he'd not about to start. Plus he doesn't need the people who live on his street asking why he was randomly sprinting down the way, because he wouldn't have answers for that  _either._

Fuck. He really doesn't know anything, does he?

It's fine. He's fine. He will be  _fine,_ because he always is. This feeling will go away, and he will be able to think normally without his mind racing, and none of this will be an issue.

Right. That is exactly what will happen.

* * *

 

apocalypseArisen [AA] has begun trolling twinArmageddon [TA]

[AA] hey

[AA] i kn0w we havent sp0ken a lot lately

[AA] 0r at all really

[AA] but i s0rt of rec0gnize your behavi0r and i want you t0 kn0w that im w0rried

[TA] what? no youre not, you dont even know the meaniing of beiing worriied!

[AA] thats n0t true

[TA] oh 2hove off AA, you know iit2 true.

[TA] you miight a2 well have been a rock the2e pa2t few year2

[TA] 2eriiou2ly

[TA] people would 2upport me on thii2

[AA] s0llux, this is what im talking ab0ut

[AA] y0ure acting even m0re sp0radic than usual, and karkat t0ld me what y0u did t0day

[AA] y0ure acting the same way you did when...

[AA] l00k i kn0w what im talking ab0ut and im g0ing thr0ugh all the tr0uble t0 speak t0 y0u after all this time just t0 make sure you d0nt d0 s0mething stupid and destructive

[AA] t0 y0urself 0r s0me0ne else

[AA] hell0

[AA] 0_0

[TA] riight whatever

[AA] that tells me n0thing

[TA] what do you want me two tell you AA?

[TA] that iim poppiing piill2 liike candy?

[AA] i d0nt kn0w

[AA] are y0u?

[TA] doe2 iit really fuckiing matter at thii2 poiint?

[AA] yes

twinArmageddon [TA] has ceased trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]

[AA] im sending karkat 0ver there if y0ur idle time gets t00 high

[AA] i really am worried!

[AA] so you better be ok and everything!


	2. Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #triggers #why would someone even write this #wow

His everything hurts.

But he could still think, and he hated that, because he didn't want to think he just wanted to  _sleep_ and he just wanted to  _die._

But of course he couldn't do that. No. Universe's chew toy.

"F..sk"

He couldn't even talk. He couldn't move. He felt like he was going to be sick, but he wasn't even sure if he was going to be able to make his way out of his  _room._

But he tried.

He had been sitting on his bed, with his laptop, staring at his messages with his friends and then it had  _hit him._ He hadn't been lying when he had told Aradia that he was popping pills like candy. They were his bipolar meds, the ones that were supposed to  _keep this from happening,_ and he downed them all within a minute. There were at least three weeks work in the bottle, and he'd just wanted it to  _end._

He thought that he was just going to fall asleep or something. Yeah, he'd read up on the signs of an overdose, but none of them had hit him.

Problems with coordination. Involuntary movement. Irregular heartbeat. Rapid eye movement. Nausea. Coma or unconsciousness.

Loss of life.

He'd been hoping that he'd slip into a coma, or something, soon. None of the side effects had seen that  _bad,_ and he thought that he would be able to handle them. He thought it would be  _worth it._ He'd even sat there and spoke to people casually while he did it; he didn't see a reason not to. It wasn't like he was depressed. He'd just come to the  _logical conclusion_ that he had to die.

Aradia had been the last one he'd spoken to before he'd decided he needed to lie down. He knew he had the messenger on his phone, but his vision was swimming with every small movement he made, and he had started to feel sick.

But he thought that he was still in the clear, that he could still do this. Besides a little dizziness when he moved his head, he was still working fine. His eyes weren't fluttering and he could still speak just fine, so it was just a waiting game.

It didn't take much longer for it to set in for real.

He felt like his insides were clawing at him, and he realized that he actually  _was_ going to be sick this time, and it wasn't just a feeling. He had already shut his laptop, and he didn't even think to take his phone - something that he usually grabs off sheer  _reflex._ When he had tried to stand, he'd hardly been able to keep his balance.

His floor was clear of obstacles, but if anyone had been watching him, you'd think he was trying to traverse a mountain. Sollux didn't have that big of a room, and the distance from his bed to the door was freakishly short; it usually would have taken no time at all.

But now it was like he was walking on stilts made of jelly, because he swayed with each step he tried to take, and once he'd reached the door he'd  _dropped._ It was not helping that it was dark, and it was not helping that his vision - which he swore had  _just_ been working fine - was now dipping and swimming and the world was starting to bleed together.

He also realized then that he had failed.  _Failed._

He could still think, slightly. But it wasn't like his brain was thinking logically; it was thinking physically. Right now, he knew that he was going to be sick, so his goal was to get to the bathroom. Small goals, but that was the only thing he could manage. One thought at a time.

Fuck, he  _hurt._

So he had tried to pull himself close enough to the door to get it open. Each time he tried to raise an arm, his stomach churned and stabbed at him, and it was made all the worse by the fact that he couldn't seem to hold it  _straight._ There he was, stomach-down on his floor with his arm raised up and wavering about, trying to find the door handle that he could barely see.

He preferred to keep his eyes shut. Every time he opened them, it did not do his stomach good.

So he had his eyes pressed shut, and every time he felt his hand brush the handle, it was during it's uncontrollable wavering that he couldn't seem to stop.

But eventually it did, and it was like a small victory as his hand fumbled with the lock and twisting it, and then pulling it open, because every time he  _pulled_ it, he ended up swinging it _shut,_ so he had to drop his hand from the handle and push it open from the base.

But he had managed it. His stomach was killing him and he couldn't open his eyes for more then a few moments and his body wouldn't stop shaking, shaking so hard, because now even when he lifted his head off the ground it wouldn't stop  _shaking._

It was like each limb he moved was stuck in a perpetual seizure that lasted too long, far too long, and it only stopped when it was pressed firmly on the ground.

He knew he looked disgusting, the way he was dragging himself across the floor like he was, but he couldn't bring himself to care. All he had on was a black tang top embroidered with his astrology symbol,and a pair of dark jeans and his glasses which seemed to be doing absolutely nothing for him as he tried to make his way into the bathroom which was a literal hard right once you exited the room.

He got less then half way into the room before his stomach churned one more painful time, and whatever liquid he had ingested during the night, was seeping into the rug.

And that was where he was now.

He couldn't move. Or he could, but it wasn't a very smart decision; even he could realize that in his situation. Since the sink was to his immediate left, he had tried twice to grab onto it so that he could pull himself up-but it hadn't ended very well. After a few moments of his arm waving unsteadily, he'd caught hold of the surface and tried to pull himself up - but all that had done was made his head sway the same way, and he'd ended up hitting the cabinet underneath it more times then he'd cared to admit.

So he'd given up. He didn't have the energy to do anything. He couldn't - he just laid there, writhing in his own vomit, waiting for the pain to even subside a little bit, because words cannot describe how much this  _hurt._ His insides were aflame, someone was stabbing him with a knife, and all the while someone had hooked his body up to a set of strings and given them to a five year old who was trying to move him along.

And there wasn't a damn thing he could do.

His parents were gone. He couldn't scream - he couldn't even get out coherent words. His ' _help'_ came out as a sluggish ' _hhhlllmm,'_ and it wasn't even that loud. He could hear his pulse pounding out it's irregularly fast rhythm, and he knew he wasn't going to die. He was just needlessly  _suffering._

And then he heard someone banging on the front door, and someone calling his name.

Sollux could still think, as long as it was goal oriented. And right now, since he obviously wasn't going to be able to reply to the voice, was to let them know he was  _here._

So he forced his way further into his bathroom; using his legs to push him forward on the rug, and using  _that_ to slide him far enough in so that he was behind the door of the room, which was swung inwards.

He couldn't open his eyes to see. His body was still lurching at what felt like every moment, even though he's pretty sure nothing is coming out at this point, so he just feels around with his right leg until his socked foot comes in contact with the edge of the door, and you rock it inwards so it hits the wall once -

twice -

three -

four -

five -

And he slips once, his foot catching nothing as his leg waves about in attempt to find it, and when it does Sollux swings it back yet again, and he keeps doing this,

because he needs to let them know he's here,

that he  _fucked up,_

and he's begging for help, like the pathetic grubsucker he is.

He stops counting how many times he does this, because his body is screaming at him and letting him know how badly he messed up, and he's completely working on autopilot. He doesn't hear a voice anymore and he doesn't even know if they're still here or if they left, but he keeps banging because it's  _all that he can do,_ and fuck why didn't he grab his phone.

He doesn't know how long he does this but he hears a new banging noise to the right, which he thinks maybe possibly might be coming from your room. And then there's a bang, a cuss, and someone stumbles in messily from behind and he can tell this from the direction of the noise, because he don't dare open his eyes.

But then there's suddenly something bright like fire burning behind his eyeballs and a voice calls "What the fuck, Sollux!?" and he takes a fraction of a second to worry about how he looks before physical pains take over and he hisses out, "Nnnn...sszzz offf..."

Sollux can tell it's Karkat just by his voice, and he cusses once before asking, "What the hell happened, fuck, you look like shit...what the fuck  _happened?"_

He doesn't know how to answer, and the light is burning behind his eyes and he takes a deep breath, the stench of bile burning in the back of his nose because he hasn't been able to move from the place on the carpet he can't stop retching on, and slurrs, "nn..vwa..vwannnn."

There's silence, and Sollux can't figure out what's going on because it's so quiet, but he retches again and there's another step closer towards him and he's being picked up under the arms - he can't tell if he's helping or just being dead weight - but he feels something cool against his face and he realizes he's met his destination, even though it wasn't in the way he was hoping.

But he doesn't care because he can't even  _think_ of things like that, and he thinks he hears another growl but this time it's farther away, and then nothing.

So he simply continues to try and purge his already empty stomach into the porcelain god, because that's what his body is doing and he can't think of anything else to do because _everything hurts so bad._ His front bangs are matted in sick and faintly he knows that's disgusting, but just as soon as the thought hits him it's gone, because he cant' stop dry-heaving and he wishes the world wasn't so  _bright_ even with his eyes closed.

And through this, even when he can't keep a solid thought, he still knows that he failed, he failed  _so hard,_ and that he is causing more problems then he's worth.

"Shit, Sollux, you fucking idiot, you better be okay, I swear to god..."

And then he can hear Karkat enter back into the room and he feels something cool sliding across his back. Sollux groans, and he swears he can feel Karkat flinch, but then he's pressing a cool hand against the clean side of his face and he curses, again, and Sollux can't think of why.

He knows he has a horrible sense of time, because he can hear Karkat whispering things one moment, and then his words clip and Sollux can hear him saying something else, and it's all a conglomeration of things he can't understand. Then Karkat's gone and there are other voices that Sollux can't quite understand, and he realizes they're asking a question and he also realizes it hurts to  _talk._

"Sollux, dude, how many did you take. Please, just answer that if you can, it's sort of fucking really important."

He wonders why he can hear people so clearly, but the thought is gone as fast as it came, and he forgets what he was thinking in the first place.

"Sollux, open your eyes! How many of these things did you take."

That question sounds familiar, he realizes, and he slurs out, "thnnndz," and he's distantly annoyed that his voice box isn't working.

He can hear Karkat and the other voice ask him to repeat himself, and he takes a deep breath and tries "thrrnyfvv," and it's starting to get annoying.

But Sollux's thoughts are pulled away again as he feels himself being lifted and he  _groans,_ because that was too fast, and he can feel the world spinning even though his eyes are closed.

Things sort of clip again because he hears Karkat protesting, "Fuck no, move the fuck over, I don't have a car to get there and he's not staying alone," and then the world moving again and he's getting poked, and he wished they would  _stop doing that._

He's being commanded to open his eyes again and he listens, barely, because now that he actually tries he realizes that it feels like there are weights on his eyelids, and one of the EMT's holds his eyelids up and flashes a light, and  _fuck_ that sends his body into even more pain, and he's groaning again as he closes eyes because why is it  _so damn bright._

They're asking that question again, about how many he took, and he tries signing it - his hands move just fine, as long as he's not moving his arms - spelling it out in sign language, but of course they don't seem to know the alphabet. Were this any other time, he'd be frustrated, but he doesn't even have the energy or concentration for  _that._

Sollux tries again, tries to enunciate, "A..leasssst...th-thrrrrnnyyy..." and finally he hears someone perk up and say " _I think he said thirty,"_ and it's another small victory in his book. He hears them ask something of Karkat, " _Do you know how many milligrams per pill?"_ And Sollux is a little bit worried when he hears Karkat sound  _calm_ as he says, " _No, I didn't think to check that. I just grabbed the name of it._

It requires him banging his hand on the stretcher to get their direction there, and he manages to sign out 2-0-0, and they get it, because that same person from before says out loud, " _200mg, alright, thank you,"_ and Sollux tunes out the rest of the trip.

He faintly remembers being transferred to a different bed, being undressed, and having a tube stuck down his throat, and being poked in the arm.

He remembers a few different voices, some talking to him, some to Karkat, and some talking outside his hospital room.

Eventually he's just tired. So he closes his eyes one last time and drifts to sleep, because he's tired of being awake. So, so tired.


	3. Learning

_Your name is KARKAT VANTAS, and you have NO IDEA what to THINK._

Picture this.

You get messaged by your friend's ex-girlfriend out of the blue while you're doing math homework.

Said ex-girlfriend tells you that she's worried about said best friend.

She tells you that you need to go over and check on him, because she is that worried. And you know she is that worried because her writing quirks are gone, and she's showing more emotion in those little posts then she has in a long time.

So you do. You spit your pencil out onto the desk, because you had been holding it between your teeth while you type, and get ready to leave.

And then she tells you that if he doesn't answer, use his bedroom window that he always keeps open. She tells you that she hopes you don't need to do that, but that's just in case so you have a way to get in and see how he is doing.

So that's what Karkat decided to do. He decided to listen to the creepy girl that used to be his friend and go check on his current friend, because why the fuck not. At the most, he was going to be wasting thirty minutes or so, because he didn't plan on staying there. Fuck no, not after he was ditched like that!

Sighing, he shut his laptop down and grabbed his phone from the side of the desk; sending a quick text to Sollux that simply said, "I'm coming over, fuckwad. Just so you know." Sollux, the tech-junkie that he is, always had his phone attached to the hip, so Karkat is pretty confident he got it. He'd probably be ignored, because that seemed to be his gameplan for him today. Pretend that he didn't fucking exist.

Whatever.

Hearing his phone go off, he almost thought it was Sollux calling him, but when he held the devise up to where he could see, he realized that it was Gamzee. Letting out an exasperated sigh, he pressed the 'Answer' button.

Karkat didn't have anything against Gamzee, really. They were actually pretty good friends. Gamzee had kept him from going and beating someone's head into the concrete quite a few times, and Karkat had kept him from going on a complete murderous rampage. It was a miracle all in itself that he had gotten into drugs. Honestly, as cool as he was, when he was sober he was a sight to behold. A sight that usually ended with two trains colliding head on with one another.

"Hello, fuckass."

" _Hey my inverda-brother! What is UP tonight?"_

"Ugh, nothing. I got asked to go check on Sollux like I'm some sort of expendable babysitter. What the fuck is up with that, anyway?"

" _HaHaHa, that's wicked bro. Why you all gotta up in his business like that tonight? Who's the wicked sister that asked you to all up and do that? I know it wasn't no bro."_

"Aradia, oddly enough. Said she was worried about him or some shit. Honestly. Sollux is the one who needs to be worried after that stunt he pulled today!"

Karkat hears silence on the other side of the line, and he's already pulling his shoes on and standing up as he grabs the front door and throws it open. Fuck, it's cold, as is evident by fact that he can see his fucking breath every time he breaths. If Sollux decides he doesn't want to answer his door and leaves him outside to freeze to death, they were going to have some serious problems.

" _Yo, I'm not sure I really agree with how our duel-sighed friend played that card today,"_ Gamzee says, and Karkat knows he's talking about the stunt at lunch. He'd told him, on a whim, because he needed to talk to  _someone_ in order to get it out. Gamzee was...whimsical, most of the time, but Karkat kept him around because he knew how to be a good friend. He actually  _cared. "So if something happens today, you give a brother a call, 'iight? I don't want any mistakes to be had tonight, especially by you._

"Right, right. I'll keep that in mind. Fuck it's freezing out here tonight! I am so glad he only lives a few houses down from me."

Truth. A few of their friends lived pretty close to one another. A lot of them had met in the neighborhood before they'd met at their schools, so it had been a thing to know where they lived. Hell, even Karkat knew where the four new kids to their 'group' lived, and they weren't even as close. But Sollux's house was already making itself seen, and Karkat was looking forward to being able to clear up their little 'mishap,' and get the fuck out of this cold weather.

" _Sweet. So...Did you like it? I mean, my bitchen-sister Terezi might be in for quite a shock when she realizes she just lost her best admirer because she was too slow to pick up on those wicked firing signals you've been givin' off. Ehehehespecially for another dude. Not that either of us really are judgin' on the gender train, though."_

Karkat growled, annoyed that he had honestly brought that up right now as he was walking up into Sollux's driveway. Shifting the phone between his shoulder and ear, Karkat stepped up onto the outside entryway and banged on the door a few times, scowl permanently in place. After years of knowing Sollux, he knew that he didn't have a doorbell. Well they did, the button was there, but it had never worked and they never bothered to fix it. Karkat sort of envied them; those shitty things were  _annoying._

"I'm going to choose not to comment on that, Gamzee. Not one fucking bit. Now hold on -  _Sollux, open this damned door right now, Swear to god, I am not going to stand out here all night because I_ know  _that you are in here!"_

" _HaHaHa, problems my friend?"_

Karkat rolled his eyes. "Yes, he's not answering me, which is really frustrating. But I am  _not_ playing this game with him any longer. I have a way in."

Karkat stepped to the side wall that had a large window that was lacking a screen. Following AA's instructions, he managed to wiggle it in a way that made it finally to limp in his hold, and he realized that the damn thing didn't have a lock when he pulled it up so he'd have to hold it.  _First world problems,_ he reminded himself, before rolling his eyes. This wasn't something that he was going to be able to do with a phone in his hands. From inside he thought he could hear a faint 'thumping' noise, but from where he was, he couldn't be entirely sure.

"Problems in-fucking-deed. I am currently breaking into my friend's house through the window, and I am unable to hold the phone at the same time. Pardon me while I create evidence and toss my phone through the window first, and pray that this stupid fucking rubber holder shows it's money worth."

He didn't wait for a response, and instead tossed his phone carefully inside onto the floor. He knew he hadn't broken it since he heard the muffled sound that it makes when it hits the case, and he's glad that it had buffered the blow. He didn't need to go begging his mom for another phone, because he'd probably end up with a cheap ass one, and that would fucking  _suck_ since he used his phone all the time.

Not wasting any more time, Karkat held up the window with one hand and carefully stepped inside; leaning forwards so he could fit himself through, and suddenly being thankful that he wasn't some freakishly tall fuck. It took a minute or so, but Karkat was inside in a short amount of time, so he carefully put the window back in place as he looked around for his phone.

Not like it took long. Sollux's room was actually clean for once and not littered with electronics, so it was easy to spot the little black devise on the wood floor. Picking it up, he now knew that the banging noise  _was_ coming from inside the house, and he had no idea what he was doing that could have distracted him so much that he couldn't have been bothered to be let in the  _normal_ way.

And he's going to pretend he didn't actually hit his head on the rim of that death trap, thank you very much.

" _Fuck,_ sorry about that. Case on my phone worked, but I still ended up getting hit in the head with that stupid th- _What the fuck, Sollux!?"_

He might as well hadn't bothered with picking up the phone, because he was dropping it a moment later and flipping on the hallway light.

Now picture this.

You come over, full of angry words, because your best friend's ex asked you too, while you're talking to your  _other_ best friend on the phone, had to get in the house by sneeking in through the window, and...

And you find him sitting there, on the floor, looking like he'd been hit over the head with the stick of death.

Karkat doesn't even care about his phone at this point, because he's staring at his friend and all he can get out is a strangled  _Fuck,_ and "What the hell happened, fuck, you look like shit...what the fuck  _happened?"_

He doesn't want to admit it, but he's even more terrified when he sees Sollux struggling to take a breath, with his eyes closed, and hissing out a slur of something that he can only _assume_ means '911.' Karkat can hear Gamzee screaming things from his phone but he continues to ignore it because he  _can't take his eyes off Sollux,_ and fuck, he doesn't even know if he's going to be okay.

His brain starts working again a little bit when he sees just what his friend is laying again when he notices him retching, what looks like the millionth time since  _whenever,_ and decides that he probably shouldn't be lying there like that. So Karkat goes over to him and slips his arms under his and wraps them around his chet and pulls him up - realizing just  _how light he really is,_ \- and moves him carefully over to the toilet. Something in his own stomach drops when he takes note of just how bad he seems to be shaking - no,  _moving,_ because shaking is fine movement and this is full on  _waves_ thrashing about his body - and he wonders what has  _happened._

Karkat places a hesitant hand on the side of Sollux's face and realizes that he is  _burning up,_ and this is the first time that he's hit with the realization that he might  _die._

As much as he doesn't want to do it, he pulls away and watches as Sollux lets out a pathetic whine, and all he wants to do is hug him and tell him that this will all fucking be alright, but he doesn't trust his voice right now or even know if Sollux knows who he  _is._

So instead, he goes back into the entry way where he picks up his phone, and realizes that Gamzee is still on the line and he sort of wishes that he was here right now. He's that scared. He's that...

"S-Sorry," Karkat says instead, hands shaking as he puts the phone back up to his ear and wanders back into Sollux's room, looking for something.

" _Bro, what the motherfucking fuck happened there. Did he do something to you? Do I have to come over there and bash a motherfucker's head in? I know he's a friend. But -"_

"God, no! It's - he didn't - nothing was done to  _me,"_ he finally settles with saying, and he has to clear his throat to try and get some of his power back. Right now he sounds completely pathetic, and pathetic is not what is needed right now. "Something happened. I just - I don't know what to do right now!"

He could afford to sound a little lost, because he was completely at a loss for what to do. And he could trust Gamzee. He wasn't like the others, who would say something if someone prompted. He would keep this a secret for his whole life if he wanted to. And he sounded like he'd sobered up a bit...which wasn't a bad thing. It just meant he was  _serious._

Karkat scanned the room while he was looking for something he didn't even  _know._ He was just, he was looking as though the thing he needed would be flashing like a bright neon light to tell him that 'hey, this is what you need to pick up!'

But life is not a fucking video game, and Karkat just didn't know what he was supposed to do.

" _Apparently something motherfucking big must have happened to get you all out of sorts. You sound calm enough now that you can tell me the important things, I'm hoping. So. What. The motherfuck. Happened."_

"I..Fuck!" He could trust Gamzee. Maybe he would know what to do. Or he was just reaching. No...No. He would know. "I came in here through the window, and just...fuck! Sollux was lying there on his bathroom floor, covered in his own sick, and I have no idea what even happened! My brain decided to stop working for what seems like a long fucking time before I realized that he probably shouldn't have been lying there like he was, so I picked him up and set him by the toilet, and he's been dry-heaving there for the rest of the time. I went into his room to see if I could find something, but I don't know what I'm even  _looking for..."_

Karkat realized that his hands were shaking, and it was wracking his body all the way down to his arms, and that makes him remember -

"God, Gamzee! You didn't  _see_ him! Even even I moved him he was shaking like there was no tomorrow! I wasn't sure if he was having a seizure every time I moved him further! His head wouldn't stop swaying and his arms couldn't stay straight in the air and oh god what if he  _dies..."_

" _Karkat,"_ Gamzee says, and it's hard and not at all light like he's used to, and he's  _glad_  that he is, because Karkat feels like he might fall apart. " _I know this is the last thing that you want to hear, but I our friend tried to kill himself. Overdose symptoms aren't that bad if you do it by accident. Look around in his room. There should be a empty bottle."_

And he's right, because that piece of knowledge  _kills_ him.

Karkat doesn't say anything in response, and instead settles on sweeping through his room. It doesn't take him too long to discover a discarded pill bottle on Sollux's bed, just like Gamzee said, and  _god._ He really did try. This was happening. His best friend had just tried to kill himself, and he could be in there dying -

"Oh my god -"

" _Hand up on me, and call 911. I don't know what our brother did, but the paramedics are going to want to know, and shit will probably be sorted out. You best motherfucking call me when you get to the hospital, alright?"_

"...Yeah. Alright."

And Gamzee was right to hang up, otherwise Karkat wouldn't have ever found the strength to do it. But fuck himself, he didn't need to be acting like a pitiful grublicker right now, because Sollux needed him, needed  _him,_ as in the usual him, and that was exactly what he was going to do.

So he dialed the digits on his phone, and after two rings there was an answer.

" _Hi, what's your emer-"_

"Look, my friend overdosed on some pills, and fuck, I can't tell if he's dying or what, but he's showing some pretty fucking obvious signs of that, so I need someone to come the fuck over here as fast as you fucking can."

" _Alright sir, and what is your current location?"_

"3133 Watergate La. Virginia Beach, Virginia, 23452. Fucking  _hurry!_ He could be fucking  _dying_ for all I know!"

" _Paramedics are being dispatched as we speak, Sir. Would you like me to stay on the line with yo-"_

"Fuck no! Just as long as they get here, it's fucking fine!"

And he hung up before he got the chance to say anything else. That call did him some good; he was able to get his voice stronger and above a faint, pathetic whisper, but it still took all he had not to crumble all over again when he turned back into the hallway and saw his friend slouched over in the bathroom.

He had to wonder, if he had come sooner. If he hadn't put off Aradia's message, could he have gotten here in time to prevent this all together? Had it been something he had done in the  _first_ place? Was everything...

Fuck, no, he couldn't be thinking about that shit right now. It wasn't going to do any good thinking about the past, so he wasn't going to humor his fucking retarded ass brain. Instead, he carefully stepped back into the bathroom and kneeled beside Sollux, who didn't even acknowledge him.

"Shit, Sollux, you fucking idiot, you better be okay, I swear to god..."

And then he's sliding his hand across his back in small, careful circles, because he can't think of anything else to do. There's a small groan emitted from Sollux's lips and that makes him stop, just for a moment, because he wasn't sure if he was hurting him or what, but he continued just a moment after because it's the same way he reacted when he put his hand to his face.

Even through his shirt he was emitting so much  _heat._ He knew this wasn't normal. Fuck, none of this was normal. None of this was  _okay._

"You're just, fuck, you'll be okay. I know you will."

And Karkat is back to a low voice, because he can't muster up the will to yell at Sollux - not even in an endearing way, or as a joke, or as an anything. Because here in front of him, he looks so  _small,_ and it's a pale comparison to anything he's seen before. A far cry from that pompous attitude that he was wearing just earlier in the day.

If he had  _just come earlier..._

"Shit, why did you do this? I don't know what I would do if you died..."

Another truth. He honestly didn't know, and it made him a little sick to think about. But as he looked down at Sollux, he realized that it was a really fucking big possibility that he would die. He doesn't even know if his body is shutting down right now.

Karkat's heard that vomiting is supposed to be a good thing in overdoses, because it gets the substances out. But he doesn't  _see_ any pills, and nothing is even coming  _out_ anymore, and that  _scares_ him. Does that mean it's already in his system, and it can't be reversed? Shit, does that mean his body really  _is_ shutting down and dying?

His hand freezes on Sollux's back again, and his blood runs cold.

Where the  _fuck_ were the paramedics?!

He looks at the front door for a moment, listening, but just as soon as his attention was elsewhere it's back on Sollux, because is mouth is wide open and he's breaking, breathing so fast, and he knows something's wrong because it's like he can't get enough air in and Karkat's just watching his chest speed -  _inoutinoutinoutinout_ -

"Sollux, dude, you need to take slow, even breaths," Karkat says, but he doesn't think he's heard this time. Sollux's eyes are closed tight, and it looks like he's trying,  _failing,_ but trying, and Karkat has never felt so  _helpless._ It looked like he couldn't get enough air in, and it wasn't helping that he kept heaving every few gasps and  _fuck,_ he hated watching this, but he couldn't bring himself to leave his side, so he simply leaned his forehead on the op of his back, just below his neck, and refused to let himself cry. His hands slid around his waist, tightening in the smallest amount, because he wanted him to know that he was  _there._

And then after a moment which seemed both too long and too short, there was a knock at the door and Karkat was up so fast, moving with such fluidity that  _Dave_ would be jealous of as he made his way to the front door, swinging it open.

"He's fucking in there," Karkat pointed, as if there was any real way to miss it. "Swear to god you all better do something about him, because I refuse to let my friend die like this."

And they don't say anything more then pre-thought out words that have probably been said a thousand times over, and they try asking Sollux things that he can't even answer.

Karkat was such an idiot. He should have asked the  _main question_ when he was speaking earlier. Or was trying to, at least.

"Sir, can you tell us how many pills he ingested?"

No, Karkat could not. He'd already told them exactly  _what_ he had taken, but he didn't know  _how many._

"Sollux, dude, how many did you take. Please, just answer that if you can, it's sort of fucking really important."

Sollux obviously hears him, because he peeks an eye open, and Karkat notes that his eyes are so dilated that he can hardly see the prominent red slits that pop out within his blue eyes this time. It's just yet another thing that worries him, but they were being shut a moment later, and he turned away like he had no intention of answering.

"Sollux, open your eyes! How many of them did you take."

Karkat suddenly didn't want to see him ever close his eyes again in this situation, because Sollux looked so  _drained;_ he wasn't sure if he was just going to slip away, right there, and never wake up again. He doesn't open his eyes, but he slurs out another 'word,' but it doesn't look like any of them can really make heads or tails of what it actually means.

"Hey, I'm not going to lie, I have no idea what you just said. Can you maybe try again?"

He's rather surprised that he can keep his voice from shaking, because honestly, he can feel the tremors building up under his skin, but he remembers that he has to stay  _strong._ Sollux doesn't give another answer, and he instead groans but the paramedics are picking him up and setting him on a stretcher, something that he tries to protest against, and it's heartbreaking to see that this is what he has been reduced to.

Karkat is being told to move as he followed them outside and into the ambulance, but fuck that, he was  _not_ backing down here.

"Fuck no, move the fuck over, I don't have a car to get there and he's not staying alone."

He was in there before they could protest, and he was again, glad he wasn't tall like Eridan or stout like Equius. He fit in barely with the other EMT's, and he just watched as they poked him and hooked him up to machines, and did all these things that  _shouldn't even need to happen._

It wasn't too long of a ride to the hospital, or he didn't think it was, but it felt like it was an eternity. Once they pulled up, Karkat immediately was jumping out of the back to give them room, and it was only then that he realized how real all of this was. This wasn't a show or a movie, this was his friend getting transferred over into one of those beds, and it was his friend who still might die because he hadn't heard a single good thing while he was riding in there. He was still able to respond to them, insofar as that he knew what they were asking, but even that was starting to fade as they had continued to drive on.

There wasn't anything for him to do. Karkat simply followed where they wheeled him, quickly with each step striding forward with purpose, until they spun unto a room and once again began hooking him up to IV's - more then one, always more then one, and he couldn't bring himself to ask what any of them were because he didn't care, he just wanted him to be _better._

There was just Karkat, who he assumes were two nurses, and a doctor, and another doctor. Though the last one was a psych doctor, judging by the questions he wanted to ask, and the way that Karkat sort of wanted to punch his face in.

No  _shit_ he couldn't answer questions, do you have a pair of fucking eyes to see what state he is current- _fucking_ -ly in.

But he bit his tongue to hard that it bled, because at least that meant that he wasn't going to die. If they were already sending in some fuckwad like that, it meant he wasn't going to _die._ And at this point, that was the most re-assuring thing he could have been told, because holy fuck, the way he's lying there with that tube-thing in his nose so he can breath and those IV's sticking out of him, Karkat really hadn't been too sure of himself. This room was huge, and the huge private rooms were usually reserved for those who were in some deep shit.

Currently, there were only those two nurses in here, and Karkat needed to make a phonecall. Two chicks; surely they would be cool with this.

"Hey, look. He's a minor and his parents are out of town, and as much as I like him, I can't do this  _alone._ Do you mind if I make a phonecall to one of our friends? I was on the phone with him when all this shit went down, and I promised I'd call him once I got to the hospital. Do you mind?"

He didn't curse once in that sentence, and fuck, that was fucking achievement of the year right there, given how he usually is, and the situation he was in  _now._ The brunette, who was sitting in a chair by the counter to the left of the door, gave him a sympathetic look, but nodded.

Karkat shot a glance back at Sollux before realizing that he probably didn't know heads or tails of things, so he creeped out of the cracked open door and into the hallway. He pressed the '10' on his phone, which was Gamzee's speed dial, and it didn't even get past one ring before he heard his voice at the other end.

" _Shit, is my brother all right?"_

"Yeah, he's...He'll live."

" _Tell me what room you are all up in. I'll find a way to get in there, seeing as I'm already at this place."_

Pausing for a moment, Karkat turned to his left to check the number plate on the door - why the hell did they have numbers like this? There couldn't be that many rooms in this place.

"Room 612. The door's open, so don't worry about that."

" _Are you alright?"_

"Ask me that later."

And he hung up.

It wasn't like he wasn't going to be seeing him soon anyway, so it was fine. He knew Gamzee understood.

Karkat decided to wait outside the room just for good measure, to make sure Gamzee didn't actually go inside the wrong room for some reason or another. Or maybe it was because it was hard to see his friend laying there like that, without anyone else there for him. He's supposed to be this great leader within his group, but couldn't...he didn't...

He didn't get to indulge that thought, because Gamzee was jogging down the hall, and was standing in front of him in no time.

"What's up, brother. How's he doing?"

"...Well he's not dying. You can see him yourself."

They'd stalled there for a moment, but eventually Karkat moved first and was walking back into the room, and he swore, somehow he'd gone even more pale then before.

But compared to Sollux's ashen color, Karkat was the fucking sun.

He could hear Gamzee cuss, earning a look from the two nurses that were in there, but no one said anything. There was a seat to the left of Sollux and Karkat took it, and he could hear Gamzee dragging a chair over from one of the counters. He'd never noticed how much like  _death_ Sollux looked like until now. At his house, it had been easy to just think of it like he had been sick, really, really sick.

But here in that bed and with all those tubes, he couldn't give into those delusions. He looked as pale and pasty as the sheets that were covering him, and he didn't even open his eyes anymore. The only thing that seemed to change in him were those moments where he couldn't seem to catch his breath and he would start breathing too quickly, something that Karkat was right in assuming wasn't good, but even those were quieting down and happening less and less. He didn't know if it was because of the liquids that were in those bags, or if it was because they were going to lose him.

Maybe not dead. But it was a fucking huge chance that he could slip into a coma and just, fuck, why the fuck was this  _happening._

" _Shit,_ bro. I didn't think it was this bad."

Gamzee's sitting beside him, staring, and he doesn't know what to say. He knows this is a sobering experience, even for him. Karkat knows the types of people that Gamzee hangs around sometimes, and he knows this probably isn't the first time he's had to sit through something like this. That's how he knew to tell Karkat what to look for, and how he knew right off the bad that it was a overdose. So the fact that he was sitting here, looking at Sollux with that...expression, makes his stomach turn.

This is  _happening._

His friend really did try and kill himself.

And Karkat never even  _realized_ that something might have ever been wrong.


	4. Balancing

_Your name is KARKAT VANTAS, and you wished NONE of this had ever HAPPENED._

It had been two days before Sollux had finally woken up. Two days that Karkat had stayed at the hospital, and one day that Gamzee had.

He had wanted to stay with Karkat, but it was getting late on the first day and he needed to go home and tell his parents that he was alright, as well as Karkat's. The problem was that when he tried to come back, he was denied. Something about "Visiting times" and "Only one person could be there at a time" and it was all complete bullshit. They'd done it the other night, so why couldn't they do it again?

He'd suggested that they just trade out, but Karkat hadn't wanted that. He couldn't bring himself to just up and leave Sollux when he was in the state that he was in, and as much as Gamzee didn't like it, he'd eventually agreed. Plus, there was the fact that there was still school, and having all three of them out would draw unnecessary questions. They were planning on playing this off as it being just a coincidence - after all, Sollux's parents had...yet to hear the news. The hospital had tried their cell phones, but no one had picked up.

Even Karkat felt a bit sorry for them. Coming home only to see your kid in the hospital...he's pretty sure that has to be the shittiest fucking thing for a parent. Add on to the fact that it was a whole self harm thing.

"Thit, what the fu..."

Karkat's head popped up so fast he thought he might have dislocated it. Though this would be the best place for something like that to happen, if he wanted to be literal about it. But now was not the time, because that was the first time he'd heard a coherent sentence from Sollux since he'd found him, and the first time in two days since he'd heard anything at all.

"Fuck, are you okay? Shit, um, I don't know what to do, fuck, am I supposed to call someone, or just let you stay there or just, fffffuck-"

"God, what ith thith...kk? Ith that you? ...Theriouthly?"

Karkat stopped, still slightly panicking as he lifted his head to look at Sollux, and saw him repeatedly blinking. It seemed like that was the only movement he was trying to make, because he kept his arms pastured at his sides, and didn't move his head. Or maybe he couldn't move them? Fuck, Karkat didn't know these things!

"Yeah, fuckass. It's me. No, you're not in hell, if that's what you're thinking. I am not your all-mighty tormenter that is here to make your afterlife a living-fucking-hell, and troll you day in and day out. I am however your fucking friend who just got scared fucking shitless, because you tried to go and off yourself without thinking of anyone else, you asshole!"

The words were pouring out of Karkar's mouth before he could even register them, and he watches as Sollux's bi-colored gaze finally steadily sets on him, but he keeps going.

"Do you know who found you? Who saw you like that, sprawled out on the floor like death had come over and hit you over the head with his huge, massive scythe? Do you know who had to pick you up and make sure you didn't choke and die on your own fucking vomit, and who had to watch you writhing in pain while the paramedics came?

"Do you fucking know who sat here for the two days that you were out cold, unsure if you were ever going to wake up? Who had to sit here and watch you and have nothing change, as doctors came up to you, wrote down notes and "hmm'd" in that stupid un-revealing way as they continued to hook those stupid IV's to you like you were some sort of freaky home-grown science experiment?"

He doesn't stop when he realizes that he's shaking, or when he sees Sollux's eyes widen, because he has been holding this all in and he doesn't have to, because god damn it he was going to know -

"It was me, fuckwad! And do you know how terrifying that was? Because let me tell you, this wasn't a fucking walk in the emotional park. No, it was a full goddamn derailed locomotive, skidding off the tracks as it headed straight for the boarding station, and it smacked head first into that. Dead bodies are being thrown everywhere and their blood is being smeared all over like it's a new fucking fad to be wearing it on the outside. I am telling you that this was the worst fucking experience of my life, and fuck, just, fuck, Why!"

Sollux didn't make any move to stop him, instead, he just stared at him with his eyes wide and his mouth half open, and Karkat couldn't even look at him anymore. His body was shaking and he felt something trailing down his cheek and he knew he was crying now, fuck, this was so pathetic. But if he was going to go this far he might as well finish it, because why the fuck not. He'll deal with the fallout later.

Fuck that. He'd gladly deal with it, because that meant that his friend was awake and alive enough to deliver it, and that was more then enough for him. So he brushed his hoodie-covered arm across his eyes to rid himself of the tears and he clenched his hands into fists, because he had to get this out.

"I need to know why. Why you thought this was necessary. Why out of all the destructive things you could have done, why you chose to keep it all in and direct it at yourself. Why you didn't tell anyone. Why you thought this was the answer and why you did it when you did. Why none of us noticed. Why we're all so blind, why we're all idiots and why you were silently hurting.

"Why didn't you tell anyone about this? I'm sure Feferi would have welcomed you with open arms. Eridan would have even listened, and I know you trust him because of that stupid not-thing you have with him! Hell, as a last ditch resort you could have gone to Kanaya, because everyone goes to her, because she gives some pretty fucking sound advice, or even Aradia because she apparently still cared enough to tell me to break into your fucking house to make sure this didn't happen!

"And fucking hell, you could have gone to me! I would have listened! Fuck, I probably wouldn't have understood it all but you could have said anything at all, anything to make sure that you weren't pushed to this point!"

And Karkat looks back at him, because he realizes that he fucking missed how his eyes look, and it's probably one of the few times he's seen them un-obscured by his glasses and he knows he's thinking about stupid things right now. But he doesn't care, because it's those stupid things that are keeping him sane, and keeping him from breaking out into sobs. That's right, Karkat fucking Vantas has a goddamn heart, call the press and notify the paparazzi. He's got tears cascading down his face, but he has so far managed to keep a solid expression but he feels like he could break down at any moment, but he refuses. Yeah, he's got a fucking heart, but he's also got a stubborn as fuck will.

"I...kk, I'm thorry. I didn't mean, but I did...fuck!"

And when Karkat gets up from his seat to lean over the beg to hug him, he's surprised that he gets a one-armed hug back, and he doesn't care how uncomfortable this is. For the moment he doesn't care that he's getting tearstains on his new hoodie, or that Sollux's grip is weaker then he thought, or that he still looks so pale. He's just glad that he's breathing and awake and maybe not totally okay, but okay enough that they can work past this. Maybe.

He doesn't think when he turns and presses his lips against his forehead, and he doesn't think when a weak grip guides his head lower so they're being pressed against his mouth in a sloppy and weak kiss filled with so much everything, because Karkat just wants to believe that everything will be alright.

And right now he's counting his miracles, because while he was joking about them just a few days ago, he might have to start being a firm fucking believer in them.

Sollux was held in the hospital for one more day, and then taken to a 'mental health facility' for three. Karkat didn't know what they did there, but it wasn't as though he could go with him, so he'd gone back to school and continued his business like usual. When people asked him where Sollux was, he'd just shrugged it off.

Nepita had been the one who had mentioned that she had heard sirens in the neighborhood over the weekend, and asked if Sollux was okay. He'd just barely managed a small laugh and a nod, and luckily Gamzee was there to smooth out a lie. No one knew that he was actually sober. It was something that he was doing for Karkat's sake, and he truly did appreciate it.

He hadn't known when Sollux was coming back, so when he strode through the door right before the bell in his first hour on B day, it had taken quite a bit of self fucking control to keep himself from looking like a complete idiot, and staring. The only acknowledgment he'd gotten was a nod before he took his seat, and the class began.

It was a little weird to see him. He still looked a little ashen, so his eyes popped against the contrast of his skin. But he carried himself well, so other then that, it was like the weekend's events had never happened.

When they'd gotten to lunch, it was "Oh, I was sick. God, it was horrible," and other such stories. There was no reason for people to suspect anything, so they didn't, and life went on. Gamzee stuck close to Karkat, and Sollux stuck near Feferi, and it was like nothing. Fucking. Happened.

Except it did, and Karkat was a little fucking peeved that he hadn't said a word to him.

Karkat had to bite the inside of his mouth when he heard Sollux and Feferi laugh, and he could feel Gamzee's gaze boring into him, and he couldn't take it. So he simply mumbled something like "See you later," and grabbed his bag and strutted off. He didn't look behind him but he hears Nepita get up and protest something, but it was Gamzee's voice that was saying "Settle down, sister. I think our man just needs a break from all the fuckin' miracles happen' here. You know he does bad when around...love, and that's what these two lovebirts seem to be spreadin' off everywhere."

He just. Fuck. No, he was happy for them, he really was. But, whatever. He'd thought something would have changed, with them, but he should have known better. It was only a moment of weakness, and that's exactly what he should have taken it as...

"...Hey."

Karkat didn't turn around, but he knew it was Sollux who was standing behind him. Hell, he probably had on some smug indifferent look, too.

He was surprised that when he turned around, he saw him frowning at him, as though something was wrong. So instead of turning around and walking away like he had originally planned, he grunted out a flat "Hey," in response. Sollux, who had been the one to follow him, seemed to flinch back away from him as if his words had hurt him.

"Look..about..I mean, this weekend..." "Save it." He didn't want to hear about this. If Sollux was content with pretending it didn't happen, then he'd be happy to do the same. He could pretend this never happen; simply sweep it under the carpet and pretend there wasn't a huge fucking lump in the rug. Ignore the fucking elephant in the room, please.

"No, I'm saying something because I know how you internalize everything, so thut the fuck up for a thecond and lithten." Karkat frowned, but otherwise didn't argue as Sollux continued. "Look, things happened this weekend that I wish didn't happen. But the fact that...that I...fuck, damn it, you know I like you so stop being thuch a panthy and own up to it!"

What.

"Excuse me? You want me to own up to it? Last time I checked, you're the one who has spend the better half of the year latching onto Feferi! You can't tell me to own up to shit when you've been the one working against it!"

"Oh really? Maybe that'th becauthe you never make a move! You jutht thit there and let Nepita think that thomething could come out of the two of you, and I'm not even thure if you're jutht too thtupid to notice it or if you're torturing her on purpothe!"

Karkat growls; a low noise that tickles the back of his throat as he bites back, "Oh, so now you're bringing her into this? So what, is that what you're stupid little stunt this weekend was? A fucking cry for my attention? Well too fucking bad, Captor. I'm gone. Have fun with the fish princess."

And he doesn't even wait for a response before he turns back around and storms off, heading for the gate at the back of the school. He doesn't care that what he said was a lot blow. He doesn't. Fucking. Care.

Except maybe he does - no, fuck that - and that totally isn't regret forming knots in the pit of his stomach, and he is not going to trip over that giant lump in the carpet because there is no fucking carpet and fuck these stupid metaphors,

"Agh!"

And his fist connecting with the hard metal of the gate feels so good, and he's glad no one comes back here because he doesn't want them to see how pathetic he's being right now.

"So. That was an interesting display."

God damn it!

"What in the everloving fuck do you want, Aradia. In case you couldn't fucking tell, this is kind of a fucking bad time to speak with me. And if I have to fucking deal with your stupid-ass spooky self, I might forget myself and punch your fucking face in. Do you understand?"

Karkat knows he's being cruel, but he's pissed the fuck off, and he can't bring himself to turn around to face her. Shame, or anger, he doesn't know. He doesn't care, because he doesn't want to think.

"I guess I deserved that. We haven't spoken since we started attending this school, and since things went bad with Sollux...but that's why I'm here now, so you don't make the same mistakes that I did. Can you trust me? Or at least hear me out? You don't even have to respond; you can pretend to ignore me, and I'll just talk. Okay?"

Karkat doesn't respond. He doesn't know what he'll say, but he knows that Aradia isn't the enemy and fuck, who is the enemy, but she's taking that as an okay, because she starts speaking.

"I know Sollux is an idiot. A hard headed idiot, for all that he is smart, and I think that was always part of the problem. He's got all this book knowledge that he's sort of forgotten, or doesn't realize, how he has to deal with people sometimes. He doesn't get that people get hurt and that those relationships can easily be broken and never repaired. They aren't numbers or codes, and you can't just backspace and start again. He thinks that he can fix things that he breaks.

"It took a while of watching, but I eventually realized that there's something wrong with Sollux's head. Chemically. My mother is a psychologist so I should have realized it with how extreme his moods are. Maybe that's why we got together. I 'hear' voices and he can't control what he does sometimes. Two crazy people, I guess.

"I only realized all this once I had removed myself from the picture. People had become test subjects; lab rats. I was not real to them, and they were not real to me. But then when I had tried to put myself back in the picture...I couldn't. Not without leaving part of 'myself' out. But...that's me. I can't control time here. I can't stop time and make it so I didn't do the things I've done. But I'm not here to talk about myself.

"Sollux...Gamzee told me. I'm sorry, please don't be mad at him, but you wouldn't answer your phone and neither would Sollux and I hounded Gamzee until he broke down in anger and told me. And I knew that would happen, or at the very least I had a sneeking suspicion and I wished I was wrong. But I knew, and that's why I sent you over to him. And that must have been...really hard to do. I'm so sorry I put you through that.

"But now you know what kind of person he is. You know the part he tries so hard to hide. The part he still thinks he can fix on his own, even though he can't. I've...outlived my usefulness, for him. That's why I didn't go. I sent you, because I can tell you have...'flushed'...feelings for him."

It's only then that Karkat turns around and faces her, for the first time through her whole speech. And she's not looking at him like he was a wall, she's got tears in her eyes and she's smiling and she...looks a lot like the Aradia he had years ago. The one Karkat had been friends with and who had introduced him to Sollux in the first place.

Even Karkat himself has to smile at the terminology she used. So she still remembers that fucking shit. Who knew.

"And I'm pretty sure Sollux has them for you, too," she continues, brushing a hand over her eyes as she sniffs. "He just doesn't know how to say it. He's not like you, Karkat. He's not comfortable with saying things like that. But you...You have a chance, to fix him. Or help him. I think that, all he needs is someone to stand there with him. I know things aren't okay right now, but I think they can be if people try. We can...After everything that has happened, we can't go back to the way things were.

"We can't go back to before...before he tried to kill himself, and we can't pretend it never happened, because then we would be missing the whole point. We can't go back to how we were when we started school, all bright-eyed and ready to work together. We can't deny the experiences that have brought us here.

"I guess what I'm saying is that...we've all sort of distinguished the type of person we are now. There's no reset button here. Heck; maybe this is our reset button but we don't know it yet. So let's...not mess it up."

Karkat's quiet for several moments, and Aradia just smiles at him. She doesn't fidget under his gaze like she used to when they'd first met, and he knows she's right about what she's saying. He doesn't think he's ever heard Aradia speak so much in one sitting since he's known her.

"Wow. Fuck, when did you get so talkative?"

Karkat turns himself completely so he can put his back to the gate, and cringes slightly when he pumps his hand into it. Aradia just shrugs and laughs, something he realized he's missed hearing, and shrugs her shoulders.

"I've been hanging around Kankri a lot. When Equius gets on my nerves, I retreat into their group. They remind me a lot of you guys! If you think I'm talkative, you'd die if you had to sit in with him..."

Karkat just shrugs, giving a small smile of his own. Barely.

"Nah. I missed hearing you, Aradia. Anyone else I might have to punch in the face. How is that muscular fuckwad doing, anyway?"

Aradia grins, something he's also missed seeing, and makes a small hand gesture in the air. "Oh, you know. Same old same old. I think, I have him to thank for...piecing me back together, and all. He still likes to insult me, but it's sort of gotten more endearing over time. His dreams are also sort of interesting, in a creepy way! Like, one of them, he was raised by a Centaur with an udder and a mustache!"

Karkat snorts back a laugh; yeah, he can see that happening. But it's not like he can talk, exactly. He's had dreams where he was raised in a 'hive' and was raised by a giant crab.

But fuck whatever anyone else says. His crabdad was fucking awesome. Sure as hell better then a centaur freak with an udder.

"Anyway..." She continues, smiling at Karkat again. "I'll leave you be for now. But think about what I said, alright? I know I said that I was pretty much looking at things like a science experiment, but...I sort of believe everything happened because it needed to happen. So don't squander the chances you've been given, because they'll mean something important in the future!"

And then she's walking off, heading back to wherever she hangs out during lunch, and Karkat realizes how much he really has missed his friends. All of them. Even the ones who made him feel like he was going to go crazy.

And Karkat just stands there for a moment, because he can't think of anything better to do. Or he can, but he's trying to put it off for as long as he can, because he honestly -

"AA's changed a lot, hasn't she."

Fuck.

"Uh, yeah...but I think it's a good thing that she has. You know...destiny, and all that crap."

And then they're both laughing, because it's something they can both remember and direct their attention to. Sollux is standing where Aradia was and Karkat's still leaning up against the gate, but when their eyes meet there's no more putting off the inevitable.

"I'm sorry for what I said. About Feferi and you, and as well as what happened this weekend. It was a lot blow, and I knew it, but I said it anyway. So...yeah. Sorry."

Sollux shrugs and turns away, eyes angled at the ground as he speaks. "Don't worry about it. I'm sorry for acting like an asshole."

"That's nothing new.

"Shut the hell up kk, I'm trying to apologize."

And then they're back to their usual bantering, and it's safe, so neither of them really mind.

It's evident that Sollux overheard what Aradia was talking about, but neither of them really know what to say. Karkat might be good at being blunt, but...this shit with feelings, he's not that great at. And judging by how Sollux is looking, he's probably thinking along the same lines.

But someone has to say something before the awkward in the air becomes an entity of it's own, and swallows them both whole.

So Karkat steps forward and lets his bag drop to the ground, and stops when he's right in front of Sollux.

"Look. I can't fucking tell you that everything is going to be okay, and if I tried I'd be lying. But I want to see where things go, and I think that you do too. I know that I can't make you laugh in the same way that Feferi does, or even come close to having the same relationship you had with Aradia, but...I hope, just, fuck. I want to be with you, and that's it, so..."

"Oh come oooooooon! Just just kiiiiiiiiss already!"

And they both pretend to ignore the spider-bitch screaming from on top of the school building, but they both lean in despite that and kiss, because fuck. Words are fucking useless sometimes, and actions are the only thing that can really get this going.

Maybe they didn't get a reset button this time around, but who cares. He'd gotten a second chance, and that was the best that he could ask for.

He would find a way to make this work. He wouldn't let all their suffering be for nothing.


End file.
